The Beginning

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… oops, wrong book- sorry. But it does actually feel like ages ago when I finally started to bloom. Although it was late in life comparatively, so much has happened since then that I can’t wrap my head around it sometimes. Although I will never forget the places my psyche has been, I’ve finally learned to move on and accept the blessings that have come my way and try to put the past behind me. But let me tell you how it all started.

You know, when I look back on pictures of myself in high school, I think, “Why in the world did I think I was fat?!” Back then, I not only thought it, I believed it. But as I said earlier, I was a master of disguise. Most people did not know how I felt about myself- in fact, I was a varsity cheerleader throughout high school and very active. No, I wasn’t the smallest of cheerleaders, and yes, I was a base. But I could jump and move with the best of them, and somehow my self-esteem woes flew away when I was in front of a crowd in that outfit. Backstage, however, was not pretty. I had a cheer coach that developed a grudge against me, and used to say the most demeaning things to me in front of the rest of the squad. The worst of which was, “I don’t think we have a skirt big enough to fit you- we might have to get one made.” The feeling that statement evoked, along with the looks from my friends, is something I can never forget.

Now, I will admit that I was more sensitive to these things than I should have been- but perception is reality, especially in high school. It always seemed like someone was telling me I needed to lose weight, even when I was a kid. That becomes ingrained in you after a while, and becomes part of who you are. Like all girls in high school, I had a crush, but I never went out on a single date. I was never at a loss for something to do- cheering took up so much of my time, especially on weekends, so I never felt like I was a homebody. But the point is- I wasn’t doing what I wanted, which was dating and meeting boys. And in my head, that equated to me being the ugly, fat duckling.

When I got to college, I gained a lot of weight without really knowing why. Sure, there’s the freshman 15 that we all lament about. But the amount of weight that I put on far exceeded that. I continued to go out with friends and go to parties (it WAS college, after all!), but I never went out on a date. I had to work through college, and worked most weekends to have something to do. I graduated and started a job I soon came to despise- I became a hermit unless I was at work. Eventually I went back to graduate school and got my degree in Counseling and Student Personnel, a great match for my inherent abilities. I continued, however, to skirt any type of personal life and started to believe that it was my lot in life to be alone.

What I didn’t know at the time was that my body was experiencing the first parts of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- an ovarian disorder that contributed to my weight gain and my depressive tendencies. Once out of graduate school and on to my first real job, I was hugely overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy. I had moved away from all of my family and friends, and tried to start a new life for myself. But my issues followed me across country, as they tend to do, and a couple of years after I started my career I found myself in a doctor’s office, ranting because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Luckily, this doctor was the best one I’ve ever had and immediately started doing tests. After the smaller maladies had been dealt with, I again found myself sitting in a doctor’s office crying. This time, it was because a doctor was explaining PCOS and its effects, including weight gain, the inability to lose weight, hormonal issues that tended to contribute to depression, and the big one… possible infertility.

I was devastated. Until then I still had never gone on a date or had a boyfriend, but I sure didn’t want to think that if I DID ever find love, that I wouldn’t be able to be a parent. In my heart, that was always the most important goal in my life- to have a family. I began medication to try to lessen some effects of the PCOS, but it didn’t particularly make a difference. The funny thing (in my head) was that now that I might be infertile, I was starting birth control- the seeming illogic of that still makes me laugh. But it was necessary to try to get my body on the right track. Besides, you never know, right?

During this period, my doctor also referred me to a Nutrition clinic which helped put me on the right track for eating for my borderline Diabetes and PCOS symptoms. When I started at the clinic I was told that most people who attend are looking to have Gastric Bypass Surgery for weight loss, and that during my visits they would tell me about the process. For almost 2 years I refused- I didn’t want to take that drastic of a step. Sure, the outcomes could be life-changing great, but at what cost? Maybe part of me wasn’t ready to leave my life, such as it was- it may not have been what I wanted, but it was comfortable.

Once visit my doctor sat down with me and said that I needed to do something different. I said that I had read all I could find about the surgery and its effects, and had even participated in a chat room online and asked some questions. Then I said to him, “I just have one question for you. Since a large part of my problem is PCOS, will it really work? Do I have a bigger chance of it NOT working because of that?” He looked at me and said, “Actually, this surgery may be the only chance you have of losing weight and improving your fertility by controlling your PCOS.” That was it- that’s what it took- I felt that someone had handed me a blessing in the making and all I had to do was grab it. And I did.

Having Gastric Bypass Surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself. And the worst I’ve ever felt physically in my life. The surgery was done laproscopically, so I only have 5 small scars on my stomach. Afterward you have to be on a liquid diet for quite a while, and then work your way up through cottage cheese to soft solids. My family was scared for the procedure, but supported me completely. The few friends I did tell about it were the same- if I felt it was the best thing for me, they were all for it. Within the first few months I dropped lots of weight, and it began to show quite a bit. People started complimenting me on how I looked, and I had to learn to take a compliment! I messed up many times, and ended up getting sick in the ladies room at work or a restaurant, I won’t lie. But overall I learned how to work with my new body. I stopped listening to my old urges and stopped fighting to keep my “norms”. Life took on new ways of doing things, new feelings, new wants. My blooming was just beginning.

Late Bloomer Diaries... The Beginning

When you think about your life, and all the lovely and ugly twists and turns it has taken to bring you to your current point, how do you feel? Do you see the past events in your life as blessings that taught you how to live? Or as storms that waylayed your progress? I have to admit that for most of my life, I was one that did the latter.

I'm not saying that good things never happened. I remember smiling, having fun, playing, hanging with friends. I also remember good things coming my way- good friends, good events, good luck in some cases. But there was always something overshadowing everything- I had no self-esteem. I always felt fat, and I felt that everyone else thought the same. I even prodded a friend of mine in high school to tell me what nickname male classmates had given me when he didn't want to- it was Thunder Thighs. I was never so mad at myself for being persistent!

It's amazing how something physical can affect you so profoundly in a mental way. It's also such a cliche, isn't it? "I am fat, so of course nothing good is going to happen to me." But I always had a smile on my face so no one realized I thought like that. The depth of my depression was never known by people, even me, until much later in life. I was the master of disguises, as many people in this world are. Eventually, though, it was inevitable that I had to admit it to myself- I had a bad outlook on my life and was using it as an excuse to not live it.

But I'm here to say that some of us actually climb out of this trench we build for ourselves. Some of us find ways and blessings that help to build spirit, then hope, then confidence, then strength. After years of pushing my feelings into the closet to be ignored, blessings started to come into my life in the form of opportunities. I was finally able to do something for myself that resulted in a new life. Above ground.

These are chapters of my life changing experiences, and the blooming of my life that resulted.